MOVIE TIME! Human Centipede...Grossly Disappointing...

(WARNING: If you have not seen this movie then I suggest you stop reading because I am holding nothing back regarding what happens in this movie. Therefore if you continue reading, you are hereby not allowed to blame me for ruining the ending for you. Neener Neener Neener)


The Cast: This movie really had no known people in it which on the one hand is sometimes disappointing because you want to see people you recognize, but at the same time I think having nobodies kind of saved this movie from being just entirely bad. Which it wasn't, but it wasn't that great either. More on that later. The never-heard-of-you-before stars of this movie are Dieter Laser, Ashley Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihior Kitamura. (There are also two other people in this movie but their parts are small and somewhat unimportant as they get killed off fairly quickly so…I'm just not going to mention them. Woops!). 


So I will give the biggest props I would say to Dieter Laser for being seriously creepy. I mean you can already tell from the title of the movie that it's creepy but Mr. Laser ups the creepy ante just being…himself. The girls are pretty forgettable but I will give them credit for expressing such emotion with their eyes and moans, considering for the better part of the movie they don't…or I should say can't speak. Kitamura I was not the biggest fan of so I don't really feel the need to mention him more than once.


The Plot: In case you didn't Google this movie immediately when you first heard about it or you can't guess from the title I'll help fill you in a little. The movie starts out like most European horror movies. Two pretty but probably not the smartest light bulbs in the bunch are on vacation in Germany and are going out to a night club. Or they at least attempt to. They drive around in the dark and get lost and then their tire blows and then, wait what's that? ITS RAINING? No way! After they sit around waiting for magical cell phone reception to appear, and after a seriously creepy German man drives by and says dirty things to them in German, they decide to brave the elements and venture out on foot in search of a phone and some help. Unfortunately for them they stumble upon the home of Dr. Heiter who at one time was praised for his fantastic surgical skills at separating conjoined twins. However somewhere down the road Dr. Heiter decided he enjoyed attaching people or other living things together instead of taking them apart. Which is where the name of the movie comes in. Dr. Heiter has the brilliant idea that he wants to attach humans together to create the first Human Centipede. And unfortunately for the traveling ladies, they are now a part of this disgusting plan. So is the Asian guy Dr. Heiter goes out and tranquilizes somewhere. 


The Real Deal: The idea of a Human Centipede is gross to just think about in general and then watching it happening is kind of an odd experience. You're fascinated, but horrified, but weirded out and yet intrigued at the same time. And I don't know about anyone else but the entire time I was just waiting for the point in the movie when the whole point of them being connected would happen. Because in order for the whole Human Centipede thing to work, Dr. Heiter attached his unlucky patients ass to face. Yes I'm serious. So after the initial surgery occurs what the audience is left to watch roam around is Kitamura at the front, followed by the two BFF's attached to the ass of the person in front of them. Which looks painful and awkward and embarrassing which is then just flat out horrifying when the front person east, and then has to go to the bathroom at a later point. I'll leave you with that image. 


I really wanted to like this movie from the second I heard about it. Being the huge horror movie buff that I am I was really looking forward to it. What I found was a kind of slow and boring movie, with really gross parts that were somewhat entertaining and then the initial excitement was kind of just a one trick pony. I wanted so much more out of this movie that I was left really disappointed. Some specific things that I was disappointed with: The fact that more than one language was being spoken throughout the movie. I don't mind subtitles at all. Except it gets annoying when I'm trying to watch a movie and it just gets confusing and too much to listen to/watch when theres Japanese, German, and English happening all in the same scene. Too much. The slow parts were really slow as well. Even the semi-painful parts, such as when Dr. Heiter makes his Human Centipede crawl and "fetch" the paper on the lawn. That was painful for a minute and then just awkward and weird. If you are the huge horror fan like me, then you might want to see this movie just to see it. If you're looking to be really entertained…you might want to skip.